Making it Work

When it comes right down to it, we do whatever we can to make things work for our families. What I do might not work for you, and vice versa. But we still all like to tell each other what we do and why it’s the best thing ever. Some things that are the best thing ever for others aren’t the best thing ever for us, but sometimes they really work out. I hope that some of the suggestions I’ve received in the comments here will pan out for me. I’d love to be able to run again–or exercise at all, really–and to get more done while my daughter sleeps. I think we’ve begun to hit the mark with getting her to sleep at night, so that second bit becomes more of a reality each night. Our success started with treating the giardia a second time, and now it’s all about accepting and letting go. Our daughter is both slow to adapt (meaning that, exactly like me, she needs time to transition from one activity to another) and sensitive (to light, noise, touch). According to this book, our daughter’s particular personality traits put her in the hardest-to-get-to-sleep category.

Well, duh.

So I’m accepting that, and making allowances, and it’s going well. I’m making a concerted effort to have only one time of day be busy, whether it be morning or afternoon, and have the rest of the day to just chill out. I ordered a SleepMate, as recommended by my friend Rachel, and while it doesn’t block out noises entirely, it dulls everything enough to help Zinashi get to sleep. And finally, I have just accepted that much of the time, Zinashi really needs to be swaddled to get to sleep. She can’t calm herself and drift off without it sometimes. When I mention this to people, most of them are taken aback. Swaddling? For an older toddler? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Because it works. I do feel like I am putting her in a little toddler strait jacket sometimes, but the truth is that when she needs it, she just needs it, and nothing else will help her. I always give her the opportunity to fall asleep on her own first, because sometimes she can, and I want her to practice that, but if she’s flopping around like a fish with that certain look in her eyes, I know she needs me to still her limbs and hold her close. So that’s what we do.

And it’s working.

For now.

Help Us Choose Our Holiday Card Photo!

I have a pretty severe case of decision making disorder, and after I viewed the photos of Zinashi, I realized that there was no way I’d be able to choose which photo to put on our card. I briefly considered printing three different ones, but then I’d have to decide which person got which photo on their card, and that’s even worse! But then it hit me: why not ask the people who know best? Yes, that’s right, I’m asking you! Because you clearly have excellent taste and a keen eye for what will wow the recipients of our holiday card. Without further ado, here are your choices:

Photo 1

Photo 2

Photo 3

Or this photo of Jarod, showing Zinashi how it’s done:

He does look quite festive in his red work fleece, don’t you think?

Vote right here:

You may also cast a write-in vote by viewing the set and leaving a comment here on the blog, stating the caption of the photo your prefer. The photo must be placed horizontally on the card, so please choose either a horizontal photo or one that can be cropped nicely to fit in our horizontal cards.

Voting will continue through Saturday morning at 10am Central Standard Time. Please vote early and often. No one will know if you vote twice or eleventy kajillion times, but please be responsible with your votes. Thank you and have a happy holiday season.

This Tuesday with Old Lady Mary: Our Heads Win

Jarod didn’t work until noon today, so I took this as a perfect opportunity to kill two birds with one stone by dressing Zinashi in her holiday best and doing a little photo shoot prior to dropping him off and visiting Old Lady Mary. I figured that this way I wouldn’t have to figure out something impressive for Zinashi two days this week, and I could also have a little help wrangling the little wiggler in an attempt to get a good photo for our holiday cards.* I dressed in my most recent Target clearance purchase, and we got the job done.

Well, except that Old Lady Mary only noticed our heads. She loved Zinashi’s big bow (which is an adult-sized headband from Forever 21, which means that either their headbands run small or our daughter’s head is enormous) and she thought my bangs were cute. She made a point of telling me I had cute hair more than once. But were there comments about our fabulous outfits? No, there were not.

sigh

We should probably stop trying to so hard, but I’m not ready to give up yet. Because who knows? Maybe next week she’ll notice our fabulousness.

*At least we got some good photos of Zinashi for the cards. A little set is here, and tomorrow we’ll be asking you to vote on our three favorites to determine which goes on our card. Come back tomorrow afternoon to see the photos and cast your vote.

Ababi Mondays: Gratuitous parent photos…

So yeah, I’m becoming that parent. The one that’s also posting pictures of their kid.

Zinash and I got to go out to eat a lot this week. A good time was had by all and a lot of salsa and french fries were consumed by a little Ethiopian girl (salsa and fries at different sittings).

Salsa… Four bowls worth

Throw in the Starbucks. She drank both her own hot chocolate and a good amount of my smoothie (By the way for as much as we mention Starbucks on this blog they should be shooting at least some free drinks our way. Anyone want to make that happen?)

She was captivated by the model trains.

Then downed most of a large fry and two cups of ketchup at Five Guys.

Now that I think about it, maybe we should start throwing in some kind of exercise routine.

She’ll Kill Me for This Someday

Zinashi can’t believe what that girl told her by text! I mean, REALLY, you should say these things in person or not at all.

She’s just going to have to call to clear this up.

Note to parents: If you’re in a hurry to leave the house, don’t let your toddler take her cell phone to the bathroom. If you’d like to get things done without interruption, encourage this behavior.

I May Be Retracting This Victory Dance Tomorrow

Our daughter just fell asleep before 10pm. I think only Snoopy can adequately capture how I feel about this moment:

We gave Zinashi a new medication for giardia tonight, and you’ll be pleased to know that I did not have to collect a toddler stool sample to get it. The doctor just listened to me and suggested we try this first before doing any further testing of toddler waste matter. Fantastic! Also, it is just one dose, so SUPER FANTASTIC!

Not so super fantastic was the part where I had crushed the tablets and mixed them into chocolate syrup, and our daughter hated it and pretty much frothed at the mouth as I scooped the chocolate syrup back in to make sure all the medication made it down her throat. Jarod was the one pinning her down, and it wasn’t pleasant for any of us. At the same time, there was something comical about me scooping and scooping and scooping the area around her mouth with my fingers, shoving it back into her screaming mouth, only to have it gurgle right back out again, this time mixed with a good deal of saliva and the snot that was running out of her nose. It was akin to trying to bail out the Titanic, but slimier. It felt ridiculous. But when all was said and done, and most of the medicine seemed to have retreated down her angry throat, I held her in my arms and gave her a bottle of milk to wash it all down, and she forgave me for the agony I’d just put her through. Now, if the medication will only relieve her other agony, then we can leave this bit behind us for good.

If that works out, I expect all of you to do the Snoopy dance with me.

Excuse Me While I Take a Moment

Today I watched my daughter put her bear to bed and arrange herself comfortably in a nest of blankets and pillows, and it hit me, hard, again, how far she’s come. I can’t get away from simply feeling floored by how much she has taken in and adapted to in so short a time. I feel like many people expect a lot of her, and I still stand amazed that she does what she does and accepts what she accepts. I am humbled by how she loves Jarod and me, how she has embraced us as her parents. There was a moment in Ethiopia, when she was looking through the photo album we brought for her, that she pointed at the photo of Jarod and me and said, “Enat,” while pointing at me and, “Abat” while pointing at Jarod. She named us as her parents, solemnly, as if she were crossing some great divide. And she was. I don’t have words for how incredibly brave she is, how utterly extraordinary I find her to be. I know that it happens all the time, that parents bring home the children they have adopted, and the children become a part of the family, and that is that. But to lose everything and just walk into the arms of people who say they are your parents and say, “Okay,” well, I just can’t grasp that.

So instead I just sit in front of my computer and cry.

Adoption, Attachment, and the Introvert: Part 2

I received so many thoughtful and helpful comments on my last post about being an introvert mother that it got my brain to spinning in what seems to be a positive direction, and I think I’ve come up with some solutions. Yesterday I was especially mindful of how much better I felt, and the one difference was that my husband went back to work. Our “weekend” is Sunday and Monday, and after Zinashi had a hard go of it sleepwise for a few nights, we decided to stay in on Sunday and catch up on rest. While that worked brilliantly for Zinashi, by the time Monday rolled around and we were all still at home, together, in our house, I was at my limit. Not that I hadn’t gotten out of the house–I did run an errand by myself each day–but that just didn’t do it for me. I also got increasingly irritated by the level of mess, but didn’t seem to be able to do anything about it. At first I thought it was because my laid-back husband was reclining on the couch most of the time, and so I took cues from that energy level and couldn’t muster the strength to be productive, but it turns out that wasn’t the issue. The issue was that he was in the house, and I was in the house, and Zinashi was in the house, and not only was that a lot of people in one space, but when we are both here, there is a lot more negotiating going on regarding Zinashi and her needs and whatnot. When it is just me, it’s pretty clear: I am both in charge of meeting all Zinashi’s needs and in deciding how our day will run. But when my husband is here, there’s one more person, which you would think would be helpful, but in my case, it turns out it’s as much a hindrance as a help if we are just…you know…here.

Now this is not to demean my husband or his habits or preferences in any way; it just means that every personality test I’ve ever taken is still right. I work best independently. That’s not my husband’s fault. The solution to this one will be a little bit longer in coming, as I do think that we should be able to find a way to make it work for all of us to be here at once and not have me seething over conditioner or lack thereof. I think that for part of the time, I need to just suck it up and deal with the inconvenience, and part of the time I need help from my husband. To be specific, I think part of the time I need to kick him and/or Zinashi out of the house (gently, of course, and with agreement from all parties) or go to see a movie all by myself. I used to be able to go to Target or Whole Foods on my own and feel refreshed, but now I really need a place where no one is going to try to talk to me while I’m there. Thus: the movies. I also want to recognize Jarod’s need for a little time on his own and will take Zinashi out by myself sometimes.

During the week, I am going to be more purposeful about getting a little rest for myself during Zinashi’s naptime. Some days I know I will need to work on things the whole time, but that should happen one day per week maximum. The rest of the week I’m sticking to my system of forty-five minutes for work, forty-five minutes for whatever, whether it be a short nap or reading or a crafty project. During Zinashi’s sleep struggles, I’ve had many people insist vehemently that I just need to have her stop napping, and I’ve been equally vehement in my refusal to cut it out, both because I believe that she still needs it, and I know for certain that I need it. Even when she is older, we will have rest time every day, doing something quietly even if she’s not going to sleep. It is good for everyone to have a little peace and quiet, to know there’s a break coming midday. I’ve been reading this book, and it confirms everything I’ve ever thought about naptime, which is that it is important to all of us, and that it encourages rather than discourages good nighttime sleep. So naptime will be our saving grace.

Beyond that, I’m just going to try to keep a handle on our other needs as well. Zinashi needs time close to me, and I need exercise, so a walk with her on my back is the perfect solution. I need to get more sleep, so I’m going to work on moving back my bedtime, even when Zinashi takes awhile to fall asleep. I’m also going to work on establishing a more consistent rhythm to our days so that it’s easier to get chores done while Jarod is at work so that even if the evening disappears in a flurry of dinner preparation and bathtime and Zinashi taking a long time to go to sleep, there’s nothing undone at the end of the day that cannot be let go. That last one is the most lofty goal, and I don’t expect to reach it soon, but I’m going to work on it.

Finally, I am going to give myself a little more time to figure things out. We have, after all, been together as a family less than three months, and home less than two. I need to stop sometimes and recognize what a big deal that is for all of us. Zinashi is still adjusting to a very different life than she was used to, and so are we. We’ll get where we’re headed; we just have to spend some time getting there.

Photo added for no purpose other than to show off how adorable our daughter still is.

This Tuesday with Old Lady Mary: Great!

We went a little later than usual to visit OLM since Jarod started work at noon today instead of the usual Tuesday start time of 9am. At first, I thought this would be capital A for AWESOME, but in reality, it completely threw our day off. I’m on a quest to have Zinashi asleep by 1:30pm so that she can get her hour and a half usual nap, but still be up by 3pm. Well, when you decide to engage in an argument with OLM about whether or not a fellow resident telling her she’s getting her a present for Christmas means that the person is getting her a pet and trying to ruin her life, well…you won’t leave there until 1pm. You’ll get home at 1:25pm. You’ll make a quick lunch, and your child will go to bed at 2:15pm, but…then the cat will feel extra needy and keep meowing and pawing at the door…and your daughter will get worried about the cat…and 3:11pm will be the time your child finally falls asleep.

So argh. At least we got dressed properly for our visit:

OLM declared Zinashi a cutie pie several times, and said I looked great, though apparently I’m still not up to my pre-motherhood fashion model status. And I did still get questioned about whether I was dressed warmly enough, but I really cannot be bothered by that anymore. I must save my energies for telling OLM that it’s rude to send your neighbor a note saying you don’t want any pets PERIOD, and YOU’D BETTER GET THIS when all she said was that she was getting you was a present. (Why am I still so irritated by this? I mean, seriously. If her neighbors hate her, it won’t really matter. She doesn’t like to talk to them anyway because she suspects them of doing terrible things to her, like getting her a pet as a present.) At least she doesn’t yet suspect me of such antics, but maybe I’m just a few steps away from suspicion. However, Zinashi is too young to potentially hatch plots to take Old Lady Mary down, so I’m pretty sure that as long as the cutie pie keeps coming with me, I won’t be denied entry.

And so, onward to next week, when I will try wearing a hat and keeping my coat on in order to return to supermodel-dom and allay Mary’s fears about my warmth. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Adoption, Attachment, and the Introvert

I am a classic introvert, which means that if I don’t get sufficient time alone, I start to get a little, ahem, edgy. Tonight I came unglued in the shower when I discovered that there was only half a head’s worth of conditioner left, and there was no way to get the new bottle except to get out, soaking wet, put on a robe, and go to the living room and get the new bottle I purchased yesterday. I may have stomped a little bit on the way. I might have been a little childish. I might still, an hour later, even after my husband did the work of putting Zinashi to bed, be a little bit crabby about it. I might hold a grudge until I can clear up which conditioner belongs to whom and say something childish about no one touching my stuff.

But it shouldn’t be a surprise to me that I feel this way. Not about the conditioner, but just about, I-don’t-even-know, things that are not that important. I just need space, and as much as I struggled with that as simply half of a couple, I struggle with it on a much larger scale now. To give my daughter what she needs, to give myself up to the work of attachment, I sacrifice personal space a lot of the time. And when my husband is home, as much as he can be helpful with Zinashi, and as much as I usually enjoy being hanging out with him, it’s also one more person in my space. And I go a little nuts from time to time.

I don’t have a good solution for this one just yet. But maybe you do. Maybe you are an introvert mom who has figured this one out. Maybe you have a system for a certain time each week that everyone but you must leave the house, or maybe you have a big enough house that you can go somewhere and have no one in your way, or maybe you just built yourself a shed in the backyard and that’s working out really well for you. Or maybe, just maybe (please let it not be this one, oh please), you somehow just figured out how to let it go. If you’ve stood in my shoes and figured out something that works out well for everyone, that doesn’t leave your children or your husband feeling neglected, I’d like to hear from you.

In the meantime, I’ll be out back, building a little shed for myself and nursing my conditioner related grudges.